Mom

Oh, it's been too long. Too long since I posted anything on this blog. I've made some drafts, though. But I've never finished them. And here I am, starting a new one, which I can't guarantee will be finished.

So... What am I going to write? Life updates? Well, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I got engaged, got married to the love of my life, finished school, and now I'm at the edge of my career at The Jakarta Post, the first ever job that I really love.

But I don't think I'm in the mood to write about all those. So, what should I write? Hmm.. I have one idea or two and have been wishing to write it on my blog for the past week, so.. maybe we'll start with... Mom. Yep, I should dedicate this first post — since almost two years — for my beautiful, loving mom.

Hi, Mom!

How are you? I wish you've fully recovered from the flu and cough and the sore you were having the last time I saw you. I'm sorry I haven't been home for the past two weeks, and... haven't replied to your regular chats on our WhatsApp group. But please believe me when I say I do think of you every day.

I always feel guilty when I am not with you, especially on the weekends. You see, I am always in a dilemma on free days because Sundays are his off day too. And... we also need time to be together since I work at night, after he goes home. We only get to spend a short amount of time each day, but... compared to the time I spend with you? It's much more! Oh, forgive me, Mom.

But... being away from you and being a wife now — and some time later maybe I will be a mother (of course you will. I hope you will) — I can't help but reflect on you how it is to be a mom... and a wife. And how you feel about being a single parent, particularly now, when your kids are all grown up and they have their own lives.

I read a novel last week and it really has taught me a lot about life. And from it, I understand that a mom can visualize her baby kids even though they are in fact 20 years old. I am 20 now and I can imagine how you see my baby self in your eyes when I get home, when we are alone spending precious time together.. Oh, boy. The tears are almost ready. I understand how fast time goes for you, considering tons of events that have happened in our lives, your life. We were just kids, you were struggling to give whatever was best for us, and now we are standing on our own feet, feeding our own mouths and supporting you — although (cough) I don't really contribute much to the latter.

For all the time that's gone, I want to express my love to you by listing the characteristics I love about you.

You, mom, are so generous. You don't really care about your own happiness as long as your closest ones are happy. Let me tell you, people. Now I know what my mom has been doing. Last year, when my cousin was having a birthday, mom bought her a cardigan that she really loved. But... do you know what? Mom told her that the present was from me! I knew because my cousin thanked me later on that day. Oh I was so touched. Then, the same thing happened again. But I am not really sure if my guess is right; it is just an assumption. For my wedding, I got a whole package of make up products, which was given by my cousin, according to my mom. I don't know if it's really true but.. there's a great chance that it was from mom herself. Aw.. she's so nice!

Thinking of all the nice things she has done leads me to this dreadful feeling, recalling the things I have done that made her sad. I even made her cry once! Or twice. Or maybe more. I am sure there's more. Because you never know how many times your mom cries, she always hides it. However much I say sorry to you, mom, I know it's never gonna be enough. But, I am super sorry mom! I love you!

Okay, enough of the sad thing. Another thing I love about you is your flexibility. I mean.. You do adapt pretty quickly to new situations, mom. After the divorce, I know you were somehow broken, but you showed that happy face just like our genuine happy faces because we were truly glad that finally the relationship ended (sorry dad). And then, after some time, one by one your kids were moving out of your house, leaving you alone :( Oh... I feel bad again. Sorry mom. But you handle it all too well! Even when sister was badly injured, you dealt with it so greatly that she recovered sooner than doctors expected. You work miracles mom! Good job! And... now.. while living alone, you never complained about your life, never care about what people say, and even take your siblings' burden with you as if they were yours! What a wonderful person you are! I know your younger sister has told you about her not wanting her daughter to leave her even though she's married. But you're so opposed to this. You see the bright side of it. You enjoy your life, you hang out with your friends whenever you want, you basically do whatever you want! Thank you, mom. For being so positive and never intending to make us all feel remorseful.

There are many other things I like about you, mom. But my head starts to burst out ideas and I can hardly contain them so I am left with a headache. I will see you soon, mom! I love you 💕

Can it happen to me?

Sometimes the things we wish to happen just don’t fit with our lives. We see in others’ lives that certain events we long to be a part of look so alluring that if it happened to you, your life would just be so much better. But no, some things are just not meant for us; we have our own character and our own stories written behind it. That’s what makes people’s lives different from one another.

So, whatever it is you desire to occur in your life, whether it is Western wedding completed with groomsmen that do a funny choreographed dance with your husband or having your own creative business while art and leadership are truly not your forte, do not force it to happen. Check again with yourself and the people around you because you and those people are the ones who are going to do it. If you cannot see them or yourself do it, then it may not be suitable for you. But don’t be disappointed, for there’s nothing you need to worry about. Everyone has something people are jealous of. So make your own story :)

"Successful" shouldn't always relate to money

So, today, when I was making bed, I recalled a book about achieving dreams for kids. It is somehow related to the "success" we're all pursuing in our lives. However, people always relate "success" to piles of gold or a lot more than 9 digits on your bank account.

This book that I found, it tells children about almost all occupations in the world, even local professions, such as tukang bakso (meatball vendor). For me, personally, this book really IS amazing because it encourages kids to be whatever they want, even a tukang bakso, without needing to be ashamed of it.

You see, I don't think one can be called a successful person if he has money beyond the society standard or has reached a respectful position at work, yet most of the time, he's not happy. Well, yeah, money CAN buy happiness, by traveling the world for someone adventurous, shopping Versace and Chanel for shopaholics, or building a palace of gold for the one who loves living a luxurious life. But I agree with one quote I shared on Facebook, though, which said something like "One is not successful if his family is poor." And yes, then again, it's all about money.

Yet, this afternoon (when making bed) I pondered about it. If someone is not rich enough to provide his family with all the money they want, then he can't be considered as a successful person, can he? But what if he doesn't want to be "that" rich? What if he just wants to live a humble life and be happy with it? Well, I myself am still on a journey to finding the career I want. In high school I thought I wanted to be a tour leader, but when learning to be one, I could never master all routes that a guide must have in mind. I am such a hardhead when it comes to map. Therefore, I thought that's not the best profession for me. Now in university, I am much more lost. Years ago, after reading a travel book written by a book editor, I decided to be an editor. Yeah, that must be the one because I'm still excited thinking about it. However, I am (always) bothered by other people's judgment, in this case, what people think if I become an editor. I suppose being an editor is not what people expect of me, especially my family. Having been successful in school, my friends must have always assumed that I would be the "successful" person in the future with big house, fancy cars and fat pocket. Well, I don't really care about how rich I'm gonna be. I don't want to compare my wealth to any of my friends' or anybody's. I don't think a successful person should always be the one with the most money. People can be considered successful if they have reached their goals, no matter what the goals are. Isn't that the thing about success? You set a goal and you become successful when you've finally reached it. I guess some people in this world do not really wish to be wealthy. Everybody is in their own pursuit of happiness. And all those goals they set, I believe, have happiness as one of the underlying reasons. And money is not always the "top" priority in someone's happiness.

Therefore, with this thought I obtained when making my bed, I'm definitely telling my future children to be whatever they like. If they wish to be a street vendor even, so be it. Because when someone does something with passion, he will give it the best that he has, and it will not end up with just ordinary results. Being a tukang es batu (ice vendor) does not really sound convincing for a "bright" future. Nevertheless, my brother once told me that he had a friend whose brother was an ice vendor and his wealth was beyond anyone's expectation. He's wealthy because he doesn't only sell his ice to a few small restaurants, but he also sells it to most big restaurants in the country. So why can't a street vendor be rich just like this inspiring ice vendor?

Besides, telling children to have a certain profession might show them stereotypes that being a clown is not worthy, a cleaning service is a lowly job, etc. Growing up, they'll know what they need and what they want. I will let my children start low if they want, though. They can be a cleaning service at the start of their career, and if they think it's enough for them to live happily, then fine. It doesn't matter. I don't want to give them the burden of having obligation to pursue a particular career. I think they'll figure it out by themselves. And my job will be only to guide, inspire and help them to reach their dreams. (why am I planning about it already -_- I'm still 19)

And as for myself, I believe I'll be "successful" in my own terms. Stop judging people by their wealth or occupation. Any occupation should not be less respected than others. Even a boss should also be respectful to his office boy. No matter what your job is, be proud because you're earning money by your own hard work. Should you feel like you need more, do not complain or blame others. The choice is always in you. Obtain more, or simply be happy with it.

Well, actually my brain's still branching its ideas everywhere in my head. It's too much, though, so I may write it later one day. Happy Thursday!

Starter: "Smart"? Not Really

Okay. So.. here we go.

I've been craving to write on a personal blog these months, almost one or two years really, but things got up in my mind, waving all those writing ideas away from the creative storm in my head.

But now, my excitement and motivation are too strong to lose the fight with my pessimistic brain. I think from now on I'm gonna write here and there, even though not as often as I expect it to be.

Well, today, when I was walking to office, the thought about scores came to my mind. How come those classmates of mine get lower scores than I do on the exams? They have all the answers to my questions, and most of them are right, they study even things that I don't and they also ask the same questions as those I have in mind. So what is it? Some of them I know are more diligent than I am, and…almost all of them think and act more logical than I do. Hmm.. if someone's reading this and have the answer, please give me an answer :D

The thing when you seem to "always" get high scores, which actually it is far seldom than "always", people tend to think that all the answers of yours, no matter what the question is, must be right. While in my case, I may have gotten high scores for several subjects, but if you ask me questions regarding the study materials when we are not at the moment of studying,well.. spare me, for I may not have the answer you're looking for. I may get good grades on exams, but the day after, my mind must have been empty from all those knowledge I garnered during the exam nights.

So.. people, or my friends exactly, may think that I am the smart student, but I don't think so. Smart students, yes they know all the correct answers to the exam questions, but I don't think they let their brain erase those important information soon after the exams have finished. Or maybe it's just that they can't. The knowledge has been stuck in their mind too tacky that they are not able to get rid of it.

Hmm, well, I think I'll stop here for today. My brain is crammed with interesting ideas to write, but I suppose I am too hungry (due to the headache I'm experiencing) to blurt those ideas out.

Well, thank you, self, for writing and for being brave enough to take the risk of getting judged by everyone. Cheers!