Mom

Oh, it's been too long. Too long since I posted anything on this blog. I've made some drafts, though. But I've never finished them. And here I am, starting a new one, which I can't guarantee will be finished.

So... What am I going to write? Life updates? Well, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I got engaged, got married to the love of my life, finished school, and now I'm at the edge of my career at The Jakarta Post, the first ever job that I really love.

But I don't think I'm in the mood to write about all those. So, what should I write? Hmm.. I have one idea or two and have been wishing to write it on my blog for the past week, so.. maybe we'll start with... Mom. Yep, I should dedicate this first post — since almost two years — for my beautiful, loving mom.

Hi, Mom!

How are you? I wish you've fully recovered from the flu and cough and the sore you were having the last time I saw you. I'm sorry I haven't been home for the past two weeks, and... haven't replied to your regular chats on our WhatsApp group. But please believe me when I say I do think of you every day.

I always feel guilty when I am not with you, especially on the weekends. You see, I am always in a dilemma on free days because Sundays are his off day too. And... we also need time to be together since I work at night, after he goes home. We only get to spend a short amount of time each day, but... compared to the time I spend with you? It's much more! Oh, forgive me, Mom.

But... being away from you and being a wife now — and some time later maybe I will be a mother (of course you will. I hope you will) — I can't help but reflect on you how it is to be a mom... and a wife. And how you feel about being a single parent, particularly now, when your kids are all grown up and they have their own lives.

I read a novel last week and it really has taught me a lot about life. And from it, I understand that a mom can visualize her baby kids even though they are in fact 20 years old. I am 20 now and I can imagine how you see my baby self in your eyes when I get home, when we are alone spending precious time together.. Oh, boy. The tears are almost ready. I understand how fast time goes for you, considering tons of events that have happened in our lives, your life. We were just kids, you were struggling to give whatever was best for us, and now we are standing on our own feet, feeding our own mouths and supporting you — although (cough) I don't really contribute much to the latter.

For all the time that's gone, I want to express my love to you by listing the characteristics I love about you.

You, mom, are so generous. You don't really care about your own happiness as long as your closest ones are happy. Let me tell you, people. Now I know what my mom has been doing. Last year, when my cousin was having a birthday, mom bought her a cardigan that she really loved. But... do you know what? Mom told her that the present was from me! I knew because my cousin thanked me later on that day. Oh I was so touched. Then, the same thing happened again. But I am not really sure if my guess is right; it is just an assumption. For my wedding, I got a whole package of make up products, which was given by my cousin, according to my mom. I don't know if it's really true but.. there's a great chance that it was from mom herself. Aw.. she's so nice!

Thinking of all the nice things she has done leads me to this dreadful feeling, recalling the things I have done that made her sad. I even made her cry once! Or twice. Or maybe more. I am sure there's more. Because you never know how many times your mom cries, she always hides it. However much I say sorry to you, mom, I know it's never gonna be enough. But, I am super sorry mom! I love you!

Okay, enough of the sad thing. Another thing I love about you is your flexibility. I mean.. You do adapt pretty quickly to new situations, mom. After the divorce, I know you were somehow broken, but you showed that happy face just like our genuine happy faces because we were truly glad that finally the relationship ended (sorry dad). And then, after some time, one by one your kids were moving out of your house, leaving you alone :( Oh... I feel bad again. Sorry mom. But you handle it all too well! Even when sister was badly injured, you dealt with it so greatly that she recovered sooner than doctors expected. You work miracles mom! Good job! And... now.. while living alone, you never complained about your life, never care about what people say, and even take your siblings' burden with you as if they were yours! What a wonderful person you are! I know your younger sister has told you about her not wanting her daughter to leave her even though she's married. But you're so opposed to this. You see the bright side of it. You enjoy your life, you hang out with your friends whenever you want, you basically do whatever you want! Thank you, mom. For being so positive and never intending to make us all feel remorseful.

There are many other things I like about you, mom. But my head starts to burst out ideas and I can hardly contain them so I am left with a headache. I will see you soon, mom! I love you 💕